On writing

So, I recently forayed into the seedy world of Harry Potter fanfiction (yeah, it was a boring night).  First off, to be fair, yes, all writers start somewhere and if these people get some kind of joy out of the process--hurrah for them.  But honestly, if you ever want to feel good about your own skills (or lack thereof) read some of the Harry Potter fanfics sometime.  (fanfiction.net is the best place to start and the place for the worst).

I encountered quite a few amusing little bits, and I'd like to share them with the rest of the world.  First, there are so many Hermione-going-back-in-time-and-hooking-up-with-insert Marauder stories, usually involving Lupin or Sirius of course.  In one such tale I encountered the following sentence (Hogwarts Express is the setting):
"neither Remus nor Hermione noticed. They were too involved with kissing each other senseless."
Now, I have to ask myself: is "kissing each other senseless" really a good analogy for a heavy make out moment?  I mean, why would you want to kiss someone senseless--then you'd just be kissing an unconscious person and really that's just a step away from kissing a dead person (which is only acceptable in things like Moulin Rouge)  See, I think it should read "Neither Remus nor Hermione noticed.  They were too busy sucking face."  Maybe it's just me.  At least that way it would have been intentionally funny, right?

Second, and probably worse, I encountered something in a Sirius/Hermione story that is one big sap fest, involving much Hermione/Sirius making out and her saying how she's "not ready" to go further.  Much joy...but I digress.  So, in one very pivotal scene Lily Evans (future Potter) comes to Hermione before the Autumn Ball and says this classic line: "I need a charm...A Contraceptive Charm... I think it's time for me and James. I want to move forward, and so does he, but we need to be safe."  *gags*  Yes, that was much cause for laughter. 

After reading this business you may say "Why on earth did you keep reading them?"  Well... reading bad writing is nice boost to the self-esteem isn't it?  I'm sure all of you, my fair readers, are feeling better about your own writing skills.  Plus, well... I have no other defense other than that they can get rather addicting.  And, you know, they aren't all bad.  I have encountered at least, oh, one or two that got along all right.   You know, stories that didn't include things like "your so cool" or "he through the ball."  In all honesty, I read one of those one or two good stories (ok, so it was sappy...but that was a weird weekend) until nearly six in the morning one Friday night and ate Hagen Daz.  Like I said, it was a weird weekend and has not been repeated.  *phew* 
 
In short, if you're looking for some poor entertainment but something to laugh about, head on over to fanfiction.net.  I'm sure there's bad writing to be had in any category.  Heck, there's probably bad writing on this blog...but at least there are no Contraceptive Charms.