Breaking Dawn

I'm sorry, I just can't hold my Breaking Dawn thoughts in anymore. So, if you haven't read the book for whatever reason, just go look at one of these websites instead: Kittenwar, Cats in Sinks or Mad Shark.

Some of you are probably still here, hoping to get spoilers. Or, I should say, one of you is. And so at this point I would like to remind you of a certain bargain we made and if you read the spoilers I will have to post about That Thing.

And here is the final deterrent. ZARDOZ!

I know what you're thinking and YES, that is Sean Connery. Sometimes I get the title mixed up with Xanadu, but I'm pretty sure there's no roller skating in Zardoz. There is, however, a pair of thigh-high black boots and what can only be called red underwear. I decided to spare you all from that.





And now, let us discuss Breaking Dawn.

Breaking Dawn Revelation #1: Vampires really like sex.

Obviously there has been a lot of talk about the *ahem* content (Esme's isle, anyone?). I expected a honeymoon scene, and until the pillow biting, I think it was handled pretty well. The bits that came later during their vampire honeymoon, if you will, were overkill for me. I wouldn't have thought twice about it if Stephenie Meyer weren't LDS and vocal about it, though. The fact that she is, apparently, an active member whose religion comes up in interviews and on her website should have made her think twice. I know Bella and Edward aren't Mormon, but that doesn't mean Meyer needs to make us aware of just how much sex they are having.

As for younger girls reading it, technically Twilight is a young adult book and they shouldn't be reading them anyway. So on the one hand, I don't think authors should feel a need to make their books suitable for all ages. But on the other hand, when you know that lot of young girls are reading them, it wouldn't hurt to keep it in mind. And since we didn't need or want to know about Emmett and Rosalie breaking houses down with their passion anyway, sex didn't need to come up at all after the honeymoon. Final note: Parents! Read some book reviews and give your kids Series of Unfortunate Events. They are better and more age-appropriate.

Breaking Dawn Revelation #2: Dead people can have babies.

Bella and Edward have a honeymoon baby. I'll admit that this twist kept me up reading until 5 AM so it was intriguing to me. But that was partly because I thought it was some kind of horrible vampire spawn that would somehow turn into the book's villain (too much X-Files?). The truth was so much more ordinary. It's a girl! And she's perfect! Just enough vampire to keep her young and beautiful, just enough human to give her a rosy complexion! AND she has magical powers. Of course, who wants to read a book where the main characters have to deal with a teething child that throws tantrums and watches Teletubbies?

Did I mention her name is Renesmee? Renesmee. Renee+Esme. How about...Reme? Esne? Jill? Also I would to add that Meyer's three boys have the same names as three brothers that lived next door to us in California. Just saying.

Breaking Dawn Revelation #3: Nobody cares about Bella and Edward

Bella and Edward get married in the first few chapters and POOF! all the dramatic teen relationship angst that kept me glued to Twilight is gone. The love triangle with Jacob is a moot point, and all the fun of Bella and Edward being together is gone. They're like an old married couple. If this were a TV show, I would the wedding the moment BD jumped the shark. Since it's a book, I will say that is when it bit the pillow.

And while we're here, was it just me or was Edward hardly even in this book? It seemed like he did a lot of standing around looking concerned.

Breaking Dawn Revelation #3: There is such a thing as "Too Perfect"

OK, now we're getting to my real problem with the book: lack of conflict. As in, there was none. Meyer has said she likes happy endings, but there is a big difference between a happy ending and a satisfying ending. Sure, it all turned out great, but there was no cost, no sacrifice and not even much work. Everything happened so easily! Bella didn't have to give up anything to get everything she wanted, and neither did anyone else. If anything, they gave up nothing and got even more in return.

All of the conflicts that had been built up in the first three books--the love triangle, the wedding issue, the Bella-being-a-vampire issue, the Volturi, the soul issue--were not even issues at all. Or if they came up at all, they were fixed without a problem. Everything happened exactly like you'd think, except with no trials on the way.

And you know what happens when there's no conflict? Things get really boring. Kind of like the second half of this book. This book should have been all about tying up threads and weaving all the stories together to make a good ending to the story. Instead BD didn't address previous storylines and brought in completely new ones without resolving them either. Examples: vampires can have babies? Jasper knows a seedy lawyer in Seattle? The werewolves are shapeshifters? Leah is not such a pill after all? Jazz?

Breaking Dawn Revelation #5: I really kind of hated this book

I don't hate books or things in general very often. I can't even think of anything to give examples. Anyway, the more I think about BD, the more I despise it. I was going to read The Host next but I can't even look at it. Thinking about reading the other books in the series repulses me. It wasn't even enjoyably bad! It was just bad! It wasn't consistent or cohesive. It wasn't an ending. Eclipse had a better ending. Did I mention that there's not really a plot? There's just stuff that happens, and a long conversation at the end where something exciting should be.

It's about at this point where I start banging my head on the table and throwing dirty looks at my copy of the book.

I guess I shouldn't get so worked up. After all, it's just a book. And it's just a series that I only liked halfheartedly besides Jacob! in the first place. Ohhhhh I haven't even started on the imprinting! Gahhhhhhh, imprinting! Seriously, the only way I can describe my feelings on imprinting is by angry exclamations. I don't understand it, I don't see why it was necessary at all, I think it's stupid, and it makes me angry. And it makes me so angry that it happened to Jacob. I knew it would happen, and I knew it would upset me and by golly, it did. Wouldn't it have been so much more satisfying if Jacob had had to work to overcome his feelings? Run off into the wilderness and dealt with it instead of seeing a baby and having all his Bella love disappear? It's not like he had anything to do the rest of the book anyway.

I guess you could say that if Jacob broke my brain, Breaking Dawn healed it. Now give me Harry Potter.