Saturday, November 21, 2009

Volterra: There's No Place Like It

I bet you're all sick of the New Moon chatter. I guess I am a bit, but I think I'm more tired of swine flu and health care talk. But that's just me, and I am pretty much always game for pop culture talk that doesn't involve Lindsay Lohan. Just kidding, I can talk about Lohan whenever the topic comes up. She's just a basket case, am I right?

Anyway Saturday morning Marcue and I had a partial D'CALC reunion when we met to see New Moon. I'm having a little bit of trouble formulating a really solid opinion on it, and I think it's because there were no surprises with this movie. It was exactly like the book, and yes, so was Twilight but in all honesty, I think Twilight did it with more style and that made it more fun to watch. Twilight had a look and it had a sense of humor, but New Moon may as well have been made by brownies. That said, I've always had a big soft spot for the book because it has so much Jacob. The same goes for the movie, and the movie just made it even more clear why I prefer him as a character to Edward. He's likable, he's normal, he's happy and he has interests besides Bella--oh, the novelty. Plus, he doesn't sparkle and I've always been a sucker for long haired Native American boys. Of course, I've always liked werewolves better than vampires anyway. Remember that early X-Files episode about werewolves and Native Americans called "Shapes"? It's so great and spooky, and even has BSG's Dr. Cottle. Anyway.

New Moon has an unfortunate story structure (similar to Breaking Dawn) where the supposed climax is mostly talk. In the movie, the plot goes something like beginning, middle, ending, middle, a little more ending and then a bit more middle at the very end. I don't think too highly of Stephenie Meyer's plotting skills, and honestly, if I didn't like Jacob, I think I would have been bored in this movie. Even so, I was a little bored.

Okay, instead of rambling further, I will break up the rest of my opinion into a series of memos to various characters/actors:

Edward: Quit emoing all over the place. You are such a drag. Also, why are you dressing like an old man? Please stop wearing lipstick. Painted on abs are not as good as real ones.

Alice: Your hair looks like a mushroom.

Charlie: You are much improved over book Charlie because you have some personality. I'm a bit fond of you.

Aro/Michael Sheen: You're still the best part of Underworld, and I almost look forward to you talking for the last hour of the Breaking Dawn movie. Almost.

Other Volturi head guys: Not-Anthony, you look like a couch potato. And there's a problem with your face. Anthony: What are you doing in this movie?

Jane and Felix: You bore me.

Wolf pack boys: Some of you are muffin topping out of your modest, knee-length shorts. I'm pretty sure you borrowed RPattz's ab paint.

Bella: Happy, as always, to not be in your head.

And just to get you all excited about Eclipse, here's a fanmade poster. It really captured the essence of the b--oh wait. What the heck is this?

EDIT: HOW did I not mention Jasper's hair?? It was SO bad. SO SO SO bad. Pictures can't capture it, it was just that bad.


  1. My favorite favorite part of the movie was when Edward thought Bella was dead and squeezed his phone until it broke. 1) Wouldn't it have been easier for someone as supposedly strong as Edward to break a phone? 2) Your response was to break you phone? I could understand despondency or some other grief-like emotion, but phone-breaking seems more like rage to me. We just watched The Fall last week and kind of wanted him to yell, "NOOOO!" and then jump off a bridge and join and avenging band of five. Either way, we all laughed for a good five minutes about it.

  2. That poster is stupid. What is wrong with these super-fans? Just let the movies make themselves.

  3. how did you not mention JACOBS hair.. that wig in the beginning was so distracting... what scene? WIG!!!! (pointing and yelling at the screen instead of listening to the "actors")