Tuesday, November 24, 2009

These Eggs: They're Not Joanna's

A while ago I mentioned that the Mister and I are watching all the animated Disney movies in order. No, we're not done yet--it takes a while--but we are nearing the end with less than 10 to go. Once we are done I plan to write a big review of the whole thing since there are some that I'd not seen for years or not at all. Some were better than remembered, some were worse and some were just dull. But some things just can't wait until that post (Dumbo, anyone?).

Have you seen Rescuers Down Under recently? I always really liked this one (that Jake! So dashing.) but I hadn't seen it for quite some time. How did I forget how hilarious Joanna is?

She is hysterical. These days I look for any opportunity to start making Joanna noises and faces. It goes something like "Gahhhhrrrrrrablarhblarh." There is something else Joanna-related that makes me laugh heartily but to get it, first you have to hear this song:

Hopefully you did not get an eyeful of Alan Rickman's tight gold pants. Anyway, do you see where I'm going with all this?

Hah! It makes me laugh everytime (and comes courtesy of Makani). Oh, Joanna. Gahhhhrrrrrrablarhblarh.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Volterra: There's No Place Like It

I bet you're all sick of the New Moon chatter. I guess I am a bit, but I think I'm more tired of swine flu and health care talk. But that's just me, and I am pretty much always game for pop culture talk that doesn't involve Lindsay Lohan. Just kidding, I can talk about Lohan whenever the topic comes up. She's just a basket case, am I right?

Anyway Saturday morning Marcue and I had a partial D'CALC reunion when we met to see New Moon. I'm having a little bit of trouble formulating a really solid opinion on it, and I think it's because there were no surprises with this movie. It was exactly like the book, and yes, so was Twilight but in all honesty, I think Twilight did it with more style and that made it more fun to watch. Twilight had a look and it had a sense of humor, but New Moon may as well have been made by brownies. That said, I've always had a big soft spot for the book because it has so much Jacob. The same goes for the movie, and the movie just made it even more clear why I prefer him as a character to Edward. He's likable, he's normal, he's happy and he has interests besides Bella--oh, the novelty. Plus, he doesn't sparkle and I've always been a sucker for long haired Native American boys. Of course, I've always liked werewolves better than vampires anyway. Remember that early X-Files episode about werewolves and Native Americans called "Shapes"? It's so great and spooky, and even has BSG's Dr. Cottle. Anyway.

New Moon has an unfortunate story structure (similar to Breaking Dawn) where the supposed climax is mostly talk. In the movie, the plot goes something like beginning, middle, ending, middle, a little more ending and then a bit more middle at the very end. I don't think too highly of Stephenie Meyer's plotting skills, and honestly, if I didn't like Jacob, I think I would have been bored in this movie. Even so, I was a little bored.

Okay, instead of rambling further, I will break up the rest of my opinion into a series of memos to various characters/actors:

Edward: Quit emoing all over the place. You are such a drag. Also, why are you dressing like an old man? Please stop wearing lipstick. Painted on abs are not as good as real ones.

Alice: Your hair looks like a mushroom.

Charlie: You are much improved over book Charlie because you have some personality. I'm a bit fond of you.

Aro/Michael Sheen: You're still the best part of Underworld, and I almost look forward to you talking for the last hour of the Breaking Dawn movie. Almost.

Other Volturi head guys: Not-Anthony, you look like a couch potato. And there's a problem with your face. Anthony: What are you doing in this movie?

Jane and Felix: You bore me.

Wolf pack boys: Some of you are muffin topping out of your modest, knee-length shorts. I'm pretty sure you borrowed RPattz's ab paint.

Bella: Happy, as always, to not be in your head.

And just to get you all excited about Eclipse, here's a fanmade poster. It really captured the essence of the b--oh wait. What the heck is this?

EDIT: HOW did I not mention Jasper's hair?? It was SO bad. SO SO SO bad. Pictures can't capture it, it was just that bad.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

That Tune: You Know It

Okay okay okay, I know my last post was Twilight-related, and I promise this won't last forever. It will, however, last until this weekend when I plan to give you all my thoughts on New Moon. Anyway, look at these Barbies:

I think they are awful. Especially Jacob's cut offs and water shoes. And Edward's sparkling plastic skin. BUT it is a rather dear wish of mine to do the following: Buy two tickets to New Moon at midnight. Buy all three of these dolls. Sit them in the chair beside me, complete with Barbie-sized popcorn and sodas--maybe even tiny movie tickets.

I don't know why this particular idea thrills me. Do I really want to be considered absurd by fellow movie goers? Then again, I'm sure some fans would love it and want to take pictures. Maybe I've just never outgrown the appeal of Barbie-sized items (okay, so maybe I still fawn over those miniature sleeping bags and tents at stores). Anyway, that's beside the point. And the point is that...I think doing this would be so very very funny. But since I already have my (Saturday) ticket and I have no Twilight dolls, it will never come to pass. Maybe for Eclipse...?

In a similar vein of things, Stephenie Meyer posted a big q&a and her website, and even though I only skimmed it, I got the feeling that she's a little burned out by the mania over her sparkly brainchild. I can only imagine that seeing things like this or this gets really old.

Friday, November 13, 2009

His Abs: Like a Muffin Pan

So, as you probably realized from my piece of genius "Bella Goes Grocery Shopping," I occasionally amuse myself by trying to write like Stephenie Meyer. I guess I just like the feeling that comes from writing overwrought, ridiculous descriptions and the cackling that follows (from me). My most recent efforts were for a writing contest sponsored by BYU's Daily Universe. The idea was to write, in 100 words or less, something to embody her style (described by them as "overearnest") although the entries didn't have to be Twilight related. You could submit three entries, and even though I think this was for BYU students, I entered anyway. No, I didn't win, but one of my sentences was picked for a "Favorite Sentence." So, here are my entries and you can try to figure out what that sentence was. Then you can check out the article and see if your guess was right (and read the winners).

Before school I spotted Edward's shiny Volvo as it whipped into the driveway. Sometimes that silver car reminded me of him--sleek, pale, fast, a model of aerodynamics. The hard, shiny exterior that was all softness on the inside. As Edward himself stepped out of the car with the lightness of a gazelle I tossed away the inadequate analogy. How could that dull piece of metal and leather compare to this living Adonis in my driveway? Metal was so pedestrian. Leather was just cow hides. Edward was flawless. A perfect sculpture made of some stone too beautiful for this world.*

Jacob. Just the thought of his name sent conflicting emotions running through me like rampant, untamed wildfire. On one hand, Jacob was my best friend. Comforting. Warm as the fading embers of a La Push campfire. He was perfectly selfless, willing to do almost anything I could ever ask. Then there was the other Jacob. That Jacob was strong, with abs like a muffin pan, arms as thick and muscled as a python and pectorals that looked like soft, fluffy pillows. Soft, fluffy pillows made of rocks. Soft, fluffy pillows that felt like iron under my hands, my cheek...**

Alice was the kind of girl that all other girls (except Rosalie, of course) were dying to be. Her heart-shaped face--the color of cold milk--was sweet, naive and, above all else, desperately and enchantingly beautiful. Her petite size only added to the illusion that she was as harmless as an exotic butterfly. But I knew that behind that delicate facade there was the power to truculently destroy any threat.*** I sometimes wondered if her wardrobe of designer peasant tops and couture ruffled skirts was a calculated move to trick any potential enemy into underestimating her.

The prizes for the top three involved tickets to New Moon. That would have been nice since I think the best way to see a Twilight movie involves freeness, but what the heck, I have a ticket anyway (I know, I know). I'll probably be breaking out the "Team Jacob" shirt again, but should I have the wherewithal for a new Twilight shirt, I would most definitely get this one. If you have the wherewithal, I would encourage you to buy one because it is awesome and then I would have cause to shake my fist at you and your wherewithal.

*This first entry was adapted from another little short story I wrote a month ago or so. You know that Edward vs. a Velociraptor poll that is still on the sidebar? Yeah, that's what it's about.

**Credit goes to Drew for the phrase "soft, fluffy pillows."

***Drew challenged me to use the word "truculent." He just loves those "Word of the Day" e-mails.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Hallow's Eve: It's Festive

I really like Halloween. There are a lot of good elements--fall, candies, costumes, pumpkins, spooky things. Also, Nightmare Before Christmas. But the costumes are surely my favorite part. I think I have dressed up pretty much every Halloween except for one year about 6-7 years ago when it was on a Sunday and there was no where to go and nothing to do. Anywhey, for the last long while I have been Hermione every year*, and you can probably guess that D-Rew has been Harry Potter for lo, these many years. So this year, after considering Jim and Pam for a while, we decided to join our magical forces for the first time. We were extremely accurate besides blatantly ignoring canon pairings, but Ginny was not an option. No.

We went to the local Trunk or Treat and we had both the best trunk and the best costumes. And then we ate pasta and Sticky Fingers at Wingers. Then we went home and watched Edward Scissorhands. Huzzah! (If you want a more detailed look at our Halloween festivities you can check out the Mister's blog. When he posts about it. Which he will because I'm watching him type it right now. I'm going to beat him to the punch though, haha.)

Anyway, on a final note, I realized that day that instead of our old English standbys, it would have been seriously awesome if we had been these guys instead:

Penny and Captain Hammer! It would have been awesome and hilarious and moderately obscure. If you don't know what I'm talking about, kindly investigate the world of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Now we have a whole year to get ready, and look out world, next Halloween we're going to be Penny and Captain Tightpants Hammer and it will be awesome.

*Three Halloweens ago I had just chopped off my hair so I consoled myself by being a pirate. And two Halloweens ago I was also Pam. That's about all my branching out since, oh, 2002.